wineryan (wineryan) wrote,

some jewish jokes:

That's Hanukkah time for........some jewish jokes:

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger." The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's." They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says. "Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. "Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker (loosely translates to "old fart") Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

The Docs in your office will like this one:

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

Tags: jokes
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